I have produced two versions with one slightly shorter with less gags I didn't think the story needed and finalised changes. I have also included the original because I don't know which one I prefer, I have completely changed Act three to keep the humorous gag tone throughout and think this is much stronger. Can you tell me if you feel the improvements work and if the story reads better or are there areas I need to finalise further?
Treatment for the Geriatric Toadstool 2
Treatment for the Geriatric Toadstool 2b
Hey Adam,
ReplyDeleteI think the problem here is that you're not giving yourself the opportunity to focus on the performance of your character - all the focus is moving onto the fairy (including your own!). I also think there's too much action here - and not enough observation: take a look at this animation from last year, which might give you some ideas how to make this 'smaller' and more humorous:
The Geriatric Cactus!
http://kinseye.blogspot.com/2010/06/unit-5-final-animation.html
Hmmm... yes I can see what u mean by shorter, I will try again and try to focus more on the toadstool.
ReplyDelete