@Phil - New story Treatment

Phil I have been thinking about the comments received from the IOR and tried to incoporate your suggestions into a story, I have only produced the treatment so far because I wanted to know if this story was going in a better direction than previous ideas.

Act 1

Story opens in a warehouse where it introduces main character Jacob Scrimshaw, as camera pans round it shows various exotic creatures caged in tanks. The camera then focuses on back on the Jacob drawing up plans and thinking, struggling trying to come up with a solution. The camera goes into point of view and looks at plans like a sum so a drawing of the creature he is after and then pencil coming onto page and then completing sum and drawing a plus, then a drawing of net and trombone equals capture. Camera zooms into close up of Jacob’s face as he gives a villainous smile.  Jacob then gathers the necessary equipment, suit, etc and zooms out with him leaving the warehouse as camera fades out. Camera fades back in with Jacob in diving suit standing in front of the sea and then dives in sinking all the way to the bottom. As he looks round, he sees the creature coming towards him and thinking his goal is simple stenches out his arms. Creature then turns away and the tail knocks Jacob flying.

Act 2

Jacob eventually and is angry and shakes a fist at the creature in the direction it went. He then pulls out a trombone as the music helps to lure the creatures towards him so they are easy to catch. He begins to play a tune and sees the creature slowly swim towards until it is inches away, Jacob then stops playing and tries to quickly catch the creature in the net. However because he has stopped playing the trombone the creature is out of the trance and swims away turning quickly and again knocking Jacob away with its tail, camera fades out. He tries this again but this time sets up a safe closing cage with a pressure plate and as the creature swims over it nothing happens, confused Jacob tries swimming back and forth through it, on his third cycle the trap closes on him. Camera turns to the creature laughing at him. Fades into next scene with Jacob chasing the creature and then the creature suddenly swims up and Jacobs hits a rock sliding down it. This gives Jacob an idea, represented by a light bulb.

Act 3

Camera zooms into Jacob looking smug and thinking he has finally resolved his problem as he plays the trombone, the creature once again becomes entranced by its sound and starts to head towards Jacob, who leads it along the path where the rock is. However when both characters are to the rock, Jacob suddenly plays the wrong note which makes the creature stop right next to the rock. Jacob keeps to trying to continue the tune but ends up playing different notes out of sequence, the creature is out of its trance and snatches the trombone from Jacob. Camera goes in close up of Jacob’s face to see him gulp and then back to the creature, who plays the trombone, this causes Jacob to swim at the rock continuously after falling over. Eventually after four hits, Jacob holds up a white flag and waves it in surrender and falls unconscious. The creature swims away happily playing an upbeat tune on the trombone to mark celebration of its victory.